u p d a t e s

text here. you can put so much text here, it's crazy! seriously, type whatever you want here. it could be a mini about section, it could be what you are up to, it could be a thing announcing you are on hiatus. WHATEVER! just put it here.

use this style for subtitles!


Imagine a Sastiel AU where Sam is a quiet florist who keeps to himself and one day Cas rolls into town on his motorcycle to ask for directions. At first, Sam’s intimidated by Cas’s wing-patched leather jacket and pierced ears and combat boots that look like they’ve seen the entire Midwest, until he finds out that Cas is a actually a huge softie and spent a long while hiding in the back of the store trying to summon up the courage to tell Sam that he thinks daisies would look good in his hair.



ugh n o i just checked my email and i already have a syllabus in there from one of my professors for the semester
this is not ok

sam will always be dean’s downfall. the earth will turn, and stars will die, but sam will always be dean’s downfall.


ok BUT HAVE you CONSIDERED pediatric doctor!sam?

  • pediatric doctor!sam loving kids so much
  • pediatric doctor!sam having his favorites, having the cases that have been here for YEARS and have only survived that long because of his undying affection and care
  • pediatric doctor!sam taking on the impossible cases without blinking an eye
  • pediatric doctor!sam getting attached to the terminal ones and even though everyone tells him not to get his hopes up, he still fights and fights and fights for these kids [“GIVE HER MY LIVER. SHE NEEDS IT MORE THAN I DO!”]
  • pediatric doctor!sam and pediatric nurse!jess having a flirtationship that all the kids catch onto
  • pediatric doctor!sam constantly getting harassed by nosy eight year olds about when he’s going to ask the pretty blonde nurse out
  • pediatric doctor!sam losing patients, but not letting it deter him because “dammit these are kids who need help, and they need it now, and if it’s not going by the book… so be it! they are going to live today, they’re going to live tomorrow, and the next day, and we are going to make that happen so either your with me, or against me, and if you’re against me, get the HELL out of my way.”
  • pediatric doctor!sam absolutely loving his patients more than anything else
  • p e d i a t r i c   d o c t o r ! s a m



        [ sam trembles with anxiety, praying that cas will come back, calm down. he’s terrifying; sam’s terrified. and cas doesn’t kiss back at first. he doesn’t move at first, just keeping his lips pressed against the other’s, hoping that the shock enough will work. ]

          [ when it does, sam’s world begins to move again. he breathes out a ragged sigh of relief into castiel’s mouth and grips at him, pulls him in with long fingers. he knows he seems too desperate, too scared for what he’s trying to do but he can’t care right now. he wants to know what happened, why cas has been keeping things from him. ]

          [ he pulls back, forcing his breathing to slow back down. his tongue darts out, licks his lips. his hands don’t move from where they are, one pinned to his chest with cas’s hand and the other tangled hard in the ex-angel’s hair. sam’s lashes flutter, and he looks up at cas through long hair. ]

          [ his expression is full of questions, but sam’s not going to ask tonight. he leans forward again, presses a kiss to cas’s forehead, then drops the hand laced through his hair. he doesn’t say anything, because you scared the crap out of me will only serve to make castiel feel guilty, and sam’s too worn out to think of anything else to say. ]


                    You want to stay in here tonight?

          [ he already knows the answer, even as he asks the question. ]

     { he doesn’t like this. 
     this raw, chafing at the edges of his soul where they brush the confines of a mortal form and remind him just how fragile he truly is. 
     he’s still shaking, and he feels as if he’ll never stop. cold and hot and sick all at the same time and so utterly lost that he’s terrified.
     in ways he never has been before. 
     a tight chest makes for ragged breathing, the rough drag in and out of his tired lungs only serves as an agitator to a mind frayed around the edges and tinted grey. 
though he’s much calmer now. more still. 
     the whispers have faded, the ocean receded back beyond the borders of its shores in the back of his mind, taking the worst of the memories with it. while the echoes of them still linger in his weary limbs, heavy, as if tied down with lead weights seeking to drown him in his own despair. 
     but there’s warmth beside him, and beneath him, pressing into him and reminding him where he is. 
     who he is. 
     he won’t answer right away, but swallows repeatedly, again and again as if to wash the taste of brine and bile from the back of his throat. 
     his stomach hurts and his throat aches and his head throbs and he trembles like a child in the arms of a man and feels so hopelessly, helplessly human. 
for a split second, coming back into himself and settling into his skin with a rattled sigh, he can’t help but resent Sam. 
     but he’s dug in too tightly to him now to let it hold much sway over the way he behaves, over the way he recovers, sucking in breath after breath and using them, laden with Sam’s scent, to steady him. 
     little by little, the sunshine chases the shadows away, and he can see clearly in the dim light of the bathroom. 
at the very least, he hadn’t made a mess. 
     he allows the beating of Sam’s steady heart beneath the heel of his palm to settle into his own rhythm and coax his body into letting go, into distancing itself from that which threatens it, and that makes the panic easier to understand, and easier to overcome. 
     he nods. slowly, shaking droplets of sweat to the floor with the motion, but he hardly cares. }


     { and a split second later he must bit his tongue in shame at his own weakness. 
     reduced to begging in a broken voice. 
     how is brothers would scoff if they could see him now. }

          ‘I d-didn’t mean to wake you. 
          I’m sorry. 
          Forgive me.’ 

     { he can’t yet bring himself to look Sam in the eye. }

                    Okay. Okay, yeah. We gotta move, though. Think you can stand up on your own?

          [ sam nods, though he knows cas isn’t looking at him to see it. he untangles their hands before standing up and going to head into his own room, searching for the spare pillow he keeps tucked in his closet. ]

                    Do you want a glass of water?

          [ he knows they’ve gotta talk, and they’re gonna talk, but he doesn’t want to force the conversation onto the ex-angel. he needs to figure out a way to ease into it, figure out what he’s going to say, anticipate the questions cas will potentially ask. a moment flicks by where he wonders why cas came to him, instead of dean for answers and comfort. it’s still strange to be cas’s first choice, after being nothing but a blip on his radar for what felt like the longest time. ]

          [ sam has never been good at taking care of other people, not like dean or jess. he tries; he fumbles his way through, but sam’s no good. he never knows what to say to make something better, or how to bandage wounds with anything but efficiency. there’s no warmth inside sam. ]



          [ sam slips his shirt off before the ex-angel joins him beneath the bedsheets. he goes to cas willingly, sleepy limbs moving more fluidly than normal. he slips one arm beneath castiel’s shirt, just to feel the skin against his, and rests his head against cas’s chest. ]


                    Mm, compared to what I normally get, it’s been okay.

          [ he closes his eyes, lets castiel’s presence wash over him, lets himself relax into him. he presses into cas’s lips when he kisses him, lips curving up into a sleepy grin. ]


     That doesn’t encourage, despite the fact that it was clearly meant to. 
     He looks tired, even from here and shrouded in the darkness of the night. 
     He always looks tired, but Castiel refrains from commenting. It’ll do him little good unless he wants to begin an argument. 
     But moments like these are far to few and precious to squander on petty disagreements. 
     He watches with hooded eyes the way chords of muscle bunch and release, looking like liquid beneath the sheen of moonlight as Sam strips himself of his t-shirt. Admiration, affection and a spark of hunger shine clearly in his gaze, drinking in the sight. 
     And when Sam touches him…
     Beneath a human skin, he feels lightning in his Grace. 
          ‘If you have trouble sleeping, you know I can help.’ 
     Not a question. Not a suggestion. A gentle reminder so as not to damage already wounded pride. 
     They’ve been over this before. 
     Castiel’s lips trace a path over the slope of his shoulder, along the column of his throat and up beneath the corner of his jaw, kissing lightly here and there, if only to fill himself with the taste of Sam in little pieces at a time. 

          [ sam has learned, through much practice, how to hide the circles beneath his eyes, how to angle his head just so for the light to make them disappear completely. he’s tried makeup; sam hides it in the deepest, darkest parts of his toiletries bag in order to spare him the teasing and confusion should dean ever find out. and it works. dean’s fooled almost all of the time. ]

          [ it works on dean. sam’s not about to pretend it works on cas, too. ]

          [ he presses closer to the angel, if at all possible. he wants to wrap cas around himself, be completely surrounded by him. it’s a nice sentiment to have, a nice thing to think about, and something just a few years ago he’d have thought was never possible. not sam. not someone so tainted. ]

          [ sam’s too tired to get upset at the words, and even so, he knows cas means them differently than dean would, and has before. cas gives him a choice. cas doesn’t get in his face. but sam also is astutely aware that castiel’s grace is limited, and the more he uses that, the less time he has with cas altogether. and the nightmares? those are his battles to fight, not the angel’s. ]

          [ he looks up in order to steal a kiss. when he pulls away, there’s a faint smile on his face. ]

                    Maybe another time.

          [ sam lays his head back down and shuts his eyes. ]