hungry, ugh.
only five more days left to go of this dumb holiday


Then why aren't you smiling?

                    What? I’m smiling.



stillcas:

justaburger:

          [ he doesn’t know if it’s a horribly poetic scene, or beautiful in its own right— an angel and a damned man speaking about paradise in front of the grand canyon. ]

          [ sam picks his head up, turns haunted eyes to his friend and looks at him— really looks at him. he takes in all the lines of jimmy’s face that sam has long since memorized, and files them away for later, for when he gets the urge to pray and instead lets it sit heavy in his heart because. the angels aren’t listening to him, anyways. not sam. ]

                    You really think so?

          [ he can’t be held responsible for the way his voice breaks— desperate words from a desperate man. ]

                    I wanna. I want to agree with you so bad. But I’m. Sometimes I just. Wonder if maybe.

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                    Would it really have been so bad to let the angels win?

          [both brothers say yes. michael obliterates lucifer. sam goes to hell where he belongs, but dean— big brother, savior, mother, father, selfless, beautiful dean. goes to paradise. gets the peace he deserves. ]

          [ would it really have been so bad to let the angels win? the question lingers as did the other words that spilled from Sam’s mouth. it would be worth it only if one chose peace over freedom. and what would have really happened if the angels did win? would everything still be as devastated? ]

                          I know you deserve it. You and Dean.

          [ he meets Sam’s eyes and sees the sadness and hope. he sees a boy full of potential and light. but he also sees broken pieces as a result of enduring life. of course he deserves heaven and more. ]

                          I don’t really know.

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                Would you have told yourself not to fight? To let the angels have their plan play out?

           [ he wishes he did. but to know that, he would have to think about the possibilities. he would have to think about forced destinies and his brothers and sisters not knowing free will. ]

                           I do know that you and Dean would be in Heaven with your other friends while Earth suffers. Sometimes, angels aren’t always the best solution. 

          [ he opens his mouth to respond, but the questions are too complicated, too close to home. instead, he shuts it again and presses his head into his palms, scratching at his scalp, mussing too-long hair. ]

          [ his eyes are watering, now, and it’s embarrassing. sam dwells on what-ifs and could-bes, spends time thinking about how things could have been different rather than focusing on what he could change in the present. ]

                    I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t.

          [ sam’s voice is low, the words muttered and as mussed as his hair, and all of a sudden, sam really doesn’t want to be having this conversation. he feels cracked open, everything laid bare for castiel to see. he feels vulnerable, naked, and sam wants to crawl away from the angel’s gaze and into the backseat of the impala. it’s the same gaze that branded him boy with the demon blood the first time they met, the same gaze that belongs to the angel who hesitated before shaking his hand. ]

                    I wanna. Believe that I can. That I deserve peace. After everything. But I.

                    I’m a mess, Cas.


someone should come make out with me and fuck my problems away i mean


wazowsxi:

justaburger:

         [ right. because there’s going to be a next time. ]

                    Sure, man, yeah. No one’s gonna ask the obvious questions.

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                    One eye? No problem.

[Wait, what? Is he being insulted?]

“Well one big eye is better than two tiny eyes.”

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"If ya’ got a problem with my eye, slip it into the complaint box." 
[the trashcan which he’s pointing to.]

          [ wow. that’s clever. ]

                    Where did you even come from?

          [ what even are you, sam might add. what the hell is going on, is a close second. ]


stillcas:

justaburger:

          [ and sam is hit again with just how magnificent castiel is. sometimes he lets himself forget, because cas looks human and sometimes even tries so hard to act human but jesus, cas is extraordinary. older than the stars in the sky and ten thousand times more beautiful. ]

          [ he catches himself staring, and forces himself to look back out across the canyon. ]

                    Sometimes I wonder. Y’know— whether Paradise would’ve been worth it.

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          [ sometimes sam wonders if he would’ve even been allowed to live in paradise, as tainted as he was. is, still. ]

                     [ cas turns to watch sam in sadness. because he knows how many times sam actually has experienced Heaven. but of course sam doesn’t remember thanks to zachariah and wiping his mind. ]

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           It is worth it. But so is Earth. 

         [ and cas knows how sam is deserving of Heaven but his story isn’t finished yet. and he feels bad for making him suffer through living but sometimes there are things on earth worth living for. even if it’s trivial things. ]

          [ he doesn’t know if it’s a horribly poetic scene, or beautiful in its own right— an angel and a damned man speaking about paradise in front of the grand canyon. ]

          [ sam picks his head up, turns haunted eyes to his friend and looks at him— really looks at him. he takes in all the lines of jimmy’s face that sam has long since memorized, and files them away for later, for when he gets the urge to pray and instead lets it sit heavy in his heart because. the angels aren’t listening to him, anyways. not sam. ]

                    You really think so?

          [ he can’t be held responsible for the way his voice breaks— desperate words from a desperate man. ]

                    I wanna. I want to agree with you so bad. But I’m. Sometimes I just. Wonder if maybe.

                    Would it really have been so bad to let the angels win?

          [both brothers say yes. michael obliterates lucifer. sam goes to hell where he belongs, but dean— big brother, savior, mother, father, selfless, beautiful dean. goes to paradise. gets the peace he deserves. ]


-- problem, Sammy?

                    —No. ‘course not.



[ bites him again ]

                    —Dean.



righteouskiller:

justaburger:

          [ and whoa, hey, the point of this isn’t to make you talk shit about yourself, dean. it’s to change the way you and sam treat each other and help you better yourselves. sam’s trying to make your relationship with him healthier. ]

          [ he pulls away from his brother and looks him right in the eye. ]

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                    Don’t talk about yourself like that. Seriously. Just. Don’t. You’re not. Any of that.

          [ azazel would’ve gotten to sam one way or another dean, and whether you’d gotten him or not… at least he had you to pull him away from the fire instead of letting himself die in it. ]

          [ sam wishes you could see yourself the way he sees you, sometimes. he knows dean wouldn’t hate himself if he did. his expression softens into something sadder, something filled with a bit more longing than he’d intend. ]

                    I don’t blame you. For bringing me back. But you. Tricked me, in order to do it. You took away my consent and let him inside me. He knows everything, now. All of our secrets— all of my secrets [ on top of everything else, but sam doesn’t know how to put it into words].

          [ he presses his lips together and looks down at dean’s hands. they’re shaking, and he covers them with his own, if only for something to do to fill the silence. ]

                    We just. Gotta start small, okay? We’ll get back. Things’ve just. Gotta be different.

                 ❝I wasn’t..❞ [ a deep breath. ] ❝I wasn’t thinking about it like that, okay? I was just—thinking about Dad. And how disappointed he’d be if I’d let you lie there and die. You. You know how it is, Sammy. Nothing matters if you aren’t alive. Everything I’ve done—everything we’ve done would have been for nothing if you would’ve died.❞

          [ but he knows how wrong it was. he knows how wrong it was, but dean can’t truly believe that he’d made the wrong decision. it was a mistake, but they could fix it. and they could only fix it because sam was alive. sam was okay. and none of this was their fault—hell, it wasn’t even gadreel’s fault. it was metatron. it’d always been him, right? ]

                 ❝I’m gonna make this better. I promise.❞

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          [ dean swallows before he allows himself to grasp his brother’s hands, lightly tugging on one, bringing it up to his cheek. his head turns, and he presses a small kiss to sam’s palm before he exhales, hands and body a bit more stable now that sam’s close again. ]

                 ❝This ain’t gonna happen again. We’re gonna fix this. Us. All of it.❞

          [ anger flares— righteous, justified anger flares in his chest, and for a terrifying second, sam thinks he might walk out the door. it’s awful, awful how much john still runs their lives, even dead. even gone, buried, burned, whatever. how dean will never be able to become his own person because of their dad’s shadow forever at his back. ]

                    Dad’s not here, Dean. He’s dead— and that wasn’t an excuse to go and do what you did. Jesus.

          [ sam’s heart hangs heavy in his chest. he hates having to be so painfully honest with his brother— hates knowing exactly how much it’ll hurt dean, but if he doesn’t say it now then it’ll never get said. or resolved. and sam will forever be left wanting. because he chickened out. because he let dean walk all over him again. ]

                    You know I can’t really trust you right now.

                    But I want to.

          [ he takes in a short, nervous breath, afraid to look up into dean’s face to see the hurt that deep down he knows dean deserves, but doesn’t want to admit to. he wants to crawl back into the hole of comfortable and routine, but can’t. he’s gotten himself this far, and sam’s proud of himself. he’s finally making things better for himself. for himself and dean. ]









One last song.


My life is the worst kind of superhero story. The girl dies, and the hero is actually the bad guy.

All I do is let people down.

vervainnecklacethemes